The scenic route (on unleaded fuel)

After completing this entry, I felt like I should add something at the beginning here. I had no idea when I sat down to write this blog that it would go where it went. As I started to write, I started to--*gasp*--think. You'll see what I mean. If you are only interested in how the diet itself is coming, just read the first few paragraphs, then run!

I'm sure not doing a very good job of keeping up with this blog, but I am working very hard at my diet. I've been eating out a lot, but I've really been trying to be good. One victory in particular was going to Steak 'n Shake, where I ordered the salad with grilled chicken. The burgers and fries weren't even a temptation, which is very rare for me.

I'm also happy to report that my snacks lately have been limited to the supply of bing cherries I bought the other day. I also found some Thomas bagel thins that I like a lot. Way too often, I choose to bring Reese's peanut butter cups, etc., to work instead of healthy snacks. I see that I absolutely can't go to the grocery store when I'm hungry. If I can avoid temptation there, then it's not constantly staring me in the face. We have a vending machine down the hall, but I think I'm too cheap to pay vending machine prices for chips or candy. I'm always looking for a bargain, and I have to reset my brain to realize that the "bargain" isn't just in the dollars spent on an item. It also needs to be a bargain in terms of health. This sounds so basic, and I've known it all along, but I haven't deep-down BELIEVED it before, if you know what I mean.

I need to get to this point in restaurants, too. I just have such a hard time paying $8, $9, $10 or more for a salad. At Steak 'n Shake, I had a coupon to get the salad for $4.99, so that worked perfectly. But usually, that's not the case. I look at getting a big salad with the meat, etc. on top vs. an entree that comes with a salad, and I go for the entree every time. It seems like a better deal to me, and I'm getting a salad, to boot. Maybe that's OK. I don't know. What I do know is that I need to stop looking at the prices on the menu and concentrate on what sounds good, both taste-wise and health-wise. Again, simple. But, it isn't for a woman who has struggled with weight her entire life.

I'm sure that people who have never had the struggle I have can't understand why I haven't just made up my mind to lose weight and do it before. It's not a matter of not wanting to do it, because I have wanted it very badly in the past. I think it's a matter of getting past food being more than what it's meant to be. It's fuel for our bodies. But, let's face it, the "leaded" fuel is often a temptation, at least for me. The funny thing is, I like the "unleaded" fuel--the fruits, the vegetables, etc. And when I buy cherries or bananas and baby carrots, they're just as easy as candies or other temptations. This is going to sound weird, but sometimes, I think I've subconsciously thought that I don't deserve to be thinner and more attractive.

OK, here's where you may want to run...

Even though my parents never made me feel this way...it's something that I did to myself...I've always felt that I'm the sister who's the heavy, ugly one. I even felt that way when I lost a bunch of weight in high school. I guess instead of becoming anorexic or something, I did the opposite. I don't have any idea why I did that. The three of us have never competed with each other in that way. And when I got married, I never thought a thing of it that my husband never paid me a compliment about my appearance. I just figured I didn't deserve it. I'm the total antithesis of being vain. It hasn't bothered me in the least that people might think that I'm a fat, ugly woman because even when I was thinner, that's how I viewed myself, too. What WOULD bother me is if they didn't like me as a person--if they didn't think I was nice. I enjoy doing things for people and making them feel special and important, because they ARE special and important to me. That's where I see my identity, and I like that role. It comes naturally for me, and it's genuine.

Now I'm ready to expand that identity. I want to first do this for myself, and second do this for others. Once I get this all figured out, I want to motivate people and help them see that if I can overcome whatever twisted thoughts I've had about myself and make myself better, then they can, too. Whether it's losing weight, getting into the habit of exercising, stopping smoking or drinking, whatever their goal, I want people to see it's possible.

You know that question about where do you see yourself in five years? I happened to see that question recently, and I realized that if I were asked that, I wouldn't have an answer. Now I do. I've felt like I've been run down in a lot of different ways in recent years. Now that I've started to pick myself up on an inner level, I know this will translate in many other ways, too.

For way too long, no matter how much I've wanted to be better to myself, I haven't been able to do it. That's no longer going to be the case. I know it's a long road ahead, but hopefully, I still have a long journey ahead of me called life. I might as well live it to the fullest. I can't do that if I continue on the road I've been on; it's time to take a detour. The scenic route. The one that will bring me many years of health and happiness.

Wow, I can't believe how today's entry has evolved. It really got me thinking, and I apologize if this has seemed like a long stream of consciousness. Part of me wants to delete this entry because I feel like I'm revealing too much of myself here. But, discovering myself is part of this journey. And hoping that you can identify with me and join me in this journey, even if you have a different goal, will make the adventure so much more enjoyable.